Being a Mom was a lifelong dream of mine. Infertility was a hard pill to swallow. The emotional roller coaster that followed took it's toll on my mental health. It was a long journey to finding peace.
I hit rock bottom at a fertility clinic in Las Vegas. I had already miscarried after a physically and emotionally taxing IVF cycle. The loss fell on the same day I was giving a baby shower for a dear friend. Already on edge, I traveled from Alabama to Vegas to have a frozen embryo transfer. After taking the valium, I went into the clinic to receive the shocking news, "Your embryos did not survive the thawing process. It seems there was a mechanical error." Devastated is putting it mildly. I immediately booked an appointment with a counselor back home so I could work through the pain.
The three babies and eleven frozen embryos that God eventually gave me were worth every bit of the trauma and the golf ball size shot knots on each side of my rear! God did not owe me anything, but gave abundantly. I finally got to live my dream of being a mom, and even with challenges, motherhood was everything I hoped it would be and more.
My husband and I both wanted a fourth child and we were about to begin another IVF cycle with our frozen embryos when I found out I was pregnant. Seeing my husband's happy tears after taking the positive pregnancy test out to the beach where he was sitting was priceless! I briefly panicked thinking about the car wreck I had several days prior. (I literally flipped my car wheeling into a friend's driveway. How does this happen?) However, my thoughts quickly shifted to God's miraculous provision and the anxiety went away.
Having eleven frozen embryos was a blessing and a dilemma. My husband was confident that we were done having babies. Although I was open to more children, I also believed that four was a good number for us. I felt God's call to place our embryos for adoption, which was terrifying.
We were in a situation I could never have imagined. My husband reminded me what a gift we could give someone who desperately wanted a baby, just as we had. I struggled with the idea. How could I ever place my child for adoption? His call seemed too much to bear. I wrestled and wrestled.
After finding an embryo adoption agency, I began filling out paperwork. Endless questions like, "Would you be willing to place your child in a single parent family?" and "Would you place your child in a home that's been through divorce?" haunted me. How could I possibly make these big decisions that would impact a young life? Growing overwhelmed, I put the paperwork aside. I began to pray, "God if you want me to do this, you are going to have to put a family right in my lap!"
Years later, we got a phone call from a pastor friend in California. There was couple in his church that were unable to have children, and they wanted to adopt an embryo. Would we consider meeting with them? I began sobbing, "OK God, this is it. You put this couple in my lap."
We began meeting with the couple regularly through FaceTime. We fell in love! He was originally from Columbia and his family fled to Equador for safety from drug lords. He had a powerful story and testimony. She was from a missionary family with Wycliffe Bible Translators and had lived all over the world. Like him, she had an amazing story and testimony. I found myself thinking, "Man! They will be better parents than I ever thought about being!"
The Lord filled me with deep peace. I had no doubt this was his plan, and knowing so brought me comfort. We moved forward. Difficult, but special too. The couple wanted us to have a role as "aunt and uncle" and maintain some communication. We told our four children, and they were excited about a new sibling across the country. We went through the lengthy process to make it all happen, eventually meeting the couple at the fertility clinic for the embryo transfer.
I felt certain this process would result in a baby. I was shocked to realize that God's plans were different. None of the embryos were dividing and able to be transferred. We were devastated for this precious couple who had already been through so much. Though we've lost touch,
I have no doubt that they are continuing to trust the Lord as He writes their story.
As followers of Christ, we often go through hard things, many of which we will never understand this side of Heaven. One thing is certain. He is always with us and gives peace in trials that surpasses all understanding. Such true and lasting peace can only come from Him.
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